When all of this is over...

...I am buying myself something BIG, SHINY and very EXPENSIVE. My friend Garo, the jeweler, is about to come into some money.

Come on, there's nothing wrong with the "birthing bauble". It's a great concept, really. I want to go and pick it out. I want to drool all over its shiny expensivness. I want other people to look at me and say, wow, that must've been a tough pregnancy!

And, selfishly, I want reminder that even though these last few weeks will be tough, they will be well worth it. And yes, people, I realize that getting a sweet, smart, healthy little girl should be reward enough, but I gotta be honest: a bright, shiny, diamond-y thing will certainly be nice.

That was about as stupid as you get.

I'm referring to the wine. Drinking it was probably the stupidest thing I've done in a long time. Not because I drank too much or because I felt lightheaded or anything like that, but because I woke up (for the first time) at 11:30 with the feeling that someone was sticking hot poker needles in my chest. Oh, the agony of heartburn/reflux, whatever the hell it was. I was miserable and the double doses of Mylanta did nothing to extinguish that fire.

So, in my misery, I went downstairs to see if sleeping on the couch or in the recliner would offer any sort of relief. Nope. One hour later I was in the same amount of pain I was before. So, I hobbled back up the stairs in pretty much hysterics (not only because I was in pain but also because I was so friggen' tired at this point) and made my husband wake up to listen to me bitch. He. Loved. That.

Finally, I arranged all of the pillows on the bed into some sort of pregnant lady nest (and by now, it's 2:30) and managed to sleep for two hours without waking. Hallelujah. Fully basted on that side, I turned over and slept another two full hours. And while that isn't nearly enough sleep for an individual, it is more than I've gotten at one time these past three days.

I woke up this morning and told Natche not to disturb the pregnant lady nest I built. I'm hoping it will prove effective tonight. Especially since I don't plan on having another glass of wine until the next millenium.

P.S. for Al - I went to the packy last night to pick up said bottle of wine and happened to get in line for the register right next to the tequilas. I was *this* close to buying the $64.99 bottle of Cabo Wabo Anejo. *This* close. But since I was already receiving many a nasty glare from patrons who obviously felt that a pregnant woman and her three-year old daughter should not be buying wine, I second guessed my decision to add a bottle of tequila to the mix.

Desperate times call for desperate measures

I *will* have a single glass of wine tonight in an attempt to get more than two hours of sleep.

I am D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E people. I haven't slept well in more than two weeks. And I haven't slept at all these past few days. And do I even need to say it: I'm TIRED. Exhausted, really.

The warm-milk-releasing-tryptophan trick ain't workin'. The maternity pillow I purchased? Not so great. And while the heating pad is nice (for a while), it has to be reheated in the microwave every hour or so for it to stay nice.

So that's it. That's just it. I'm trying the wine...and if it fails...well, is there anything wrong with having them induce 11 weeks early?

Doing it right!

Man, we did Disney Princesses on Ice right.

We had great seats just eight rows back from the ice; we convinced Petra to wear--damn well, I might add--her Ariel costume; and we got through the entire show with little to no Petra drama (something that's become more frequent in recent weeks).

It was actually a great show. Disney really knows how to entertain; you have to give them that. The sets are truly amazing. Amazing. And the HUGE dragon that comes out and breathes real fire onto the ice (Shelagh's first question was, um, is the ice supposed to be on fire like that?) was unbelievable. Yes, two of the skaters fell, but the kids didn't notice. They were overwhelmed--in a good way--by the sights and sounds...and stared straight ahead the entire show not moving a muscle for fear of missing one of the princesses.

It's still making an impression, I might add. Petra woke up this morning and said, "Mommy, there were scary monsters at Disney Princesses! I saw Ursula, the dragon and the scary lady."

Yes, you did my dear. And you *loved* every minute of it.

This week's Lost

Yes, the woman playing Isabelle on Lost is indeed Diana Scarwid, an actress most famous for her role in Mommy Dearest.

And yes, Matthew Fox's love interest this week was played by Bai Ling, a woman most famous for nip slips and very inappropriate attire. You can check out her antics at Go Fug Yourself.

It was a very good episode and from what Al tells me, there is plenty more where this one came from.

But, and a Big Butt at that, I haven't forgiven the show entirely for disappointing me last season. Heroes still takes priority and will....for now.

I.am.so.done.

Seriously. I am done with this pregnancy. I want this child out of me right here, right now. And yes, I realize I still have 12 more weeks of this INSANITY, but trust me this kid will be just fine. She's doing flips right now! Surely that's a sign that she's good and baked. Yes? Someone? Please validate me and my need to BE DONE.

And yes, this was just a rant. I am not nearly *Britney* enough (like how I turned her into an adjective) to actually force labor.

Yet.

Train Wreck, Part Deux

Britney Spears just couldn't handle all of the press the late Anna Nicole Smith was receiving, so she had to run out and do this. And let's be honest, it's REALLY not a good look for the former pop queen.

I. just. don't. get. it. She has so much going for her. And she's actually quite talented (or at least she was). You can't tell me that you don't hum along to "Oops I did it again," or "Crazy" when they come on the radio. Dare I say it, they're on my iPOD.

But this. Man, I just don't know what to think. Should I try and adopt her? Maybe she just needs a good stable adult role model in her life. And it's obvious to just about EVERYONE that she's sorely lacking in that department.

Oh, Brit. Get yourself a nice wig. Go home to your sons. Stay away from Paris "can you see my boobs" Hilton. SOBER UP, for fuck's sake.

Old Man Winter

Methinks Old Man Winter went off on a serious bender. Right?

Seriously, he walked the straight and narrow and laid off the bottle for most of the season.

At some point though, he must've gotten a call from that ex-wife of his, Mother Nature, during which she demanded more alimony and he just said screw it and hit the Wild Turkey.

That's really the only thing I can think of that explains this:

I say Whippet. Whippet good.

Did you know that the Whippet can run up to 35 mph? That's faster than some cars can go. Come to think of it, isn't that the breed of dog that ran across the airport tarmac last year and was never found?

Hang on....

Yes! I was right! Vivi, a California whippet, got out of her shipping crate at JFK just after the Westminster Kennel Club show and more than a year later, has yet to be found. BUT, apparently she's been seen. Click here for more info.

And the bodyguard makes five...

For the Anna Nicole, who's-Dannieynn's-real-father-contest, we have a new entrant: the bodyguard. So that brings the total number of contestants to five, yes?
1. Larry Birkhead - my choice. I think the baby favors him.
2. The other Howard Stern - just don't see it
3. Zsa Zsa's husband - for whom I'm secretly rooting. Not sure why.
4. Howard Marshall via test tube - ew!
5. The bodyguard (and I will update this with a link when I find the news story)

And I hear Anhalt is going to request a DNA test and file for custody as well. Will that make Zsa Zsa the baby's stepmom? At 90???

Is it possible that these men really care about the baby...or is it more likely they care about the $600 million she could be sitting on?

Poor child.

What a year it's going to be

I just watched a piece on the Today show talking about Hilary's current visit to NH and the questions she has to answer re: her vote for the war.

Barack is expected to be in the state tomorrow and I'm sure a bevy of other candidates will make their way through NH many times during the next 9-12 months.

It's amazing, actually, to be at the center of the 2008 presidential campaign. Not that I'll run off and join a campaign or anything. I don't have the time nor the political ambition...but even just sitting on the fringe is fascinating.

Just when I thought I was out....

I've seen the Godfather III; I know how it works.

So, I watched the new Lost episode last night and was impressed by it, even though I didn't expect to be. It was REALLY good.

I'm glad they introduced a new backstory and it's evident that there's more to Juliette than what we saw of her in the first half of the season.

Here's hoping it gets better from here.

_________
On another note, I'm still loving Heroes. I watched that today too. Like the invisible man. Think it's pretty cool (and a nice twist) that Nathan Petrelli is Claire's father. LOVE how evil Sylar is.

And let's not forget the Haitian. I especially LOVE the Haitian; so glad we're seeing more of him. How many times do you think he's fucked with Mrs. Bennett's mind? My bet is one to many. I mean, seriously, all the woman can talk about is that damn dog, Mr. Muggles.
___________
Let's hope both of the shows can hold my attention through May sweeps.

Train. Wreck.

Why am I so morbidly fascinated with the death of Anna Nicole Smith? I mean, it borders on obsessive. I read CNN and Fox News regularly for updates (the latter offers quite a bit more detail, I've found) and I've already buzzed Al three times today alone for any snippets of information she's found.

And, I hate to say it, but I think it's only going to get better more interesting in the coming weeks and months, especially now that Zsa Zsa's husband has come forth as yet another potential Dannielynn daddy.

It's absolutely amazing because this woman is now infamous. Sure, she was a B celebrity before her death, but with all of the recent tragedy in her life, the numerous comparisons to Marilyn and the bizarre circumstances of her own passing, she will become more famous than she ever could have been in life.

I hope she's at peace. And I hope, for the child's sake, that a proper, stable guardian is identified.

Best Fug Girls Line Ever...

...came from their column on New York Fashion Week Live this week:

"Between Connick and last year's escort Roger Federer, the indomitable Vogue editrix (Anna Wintour) has pretty stellar taste in man-candy; (wait for it. wait for it.)

"We want a replica of whatever piñata she beats every year in order to get them to fall into her lap."

PRICELESS.

I'm exhausted.

And it's only 8:30 in the morning. What does that say about the rest of the day? Will I be asleep in my lunch at noon?

Leonor, any chance you're going to Dunkin' Donuts on your way in???

Can you say, FRIGID

I mean, really. The windshield factor must be -10 BELOW!

*The* Vaccine

I personally think it's a great idea to provide the HPV vaccine to schoolgirls before they're sexually active. I have a good friend who has to go for regular cervical screenings (e.g. every 3-6 mos) because she is at risk for cervical cancer thanks to HPV; she's had a couple of major scares and I know it's an issue she'll continue to face her entire life.

That said, I find Texas Gov. Perry's ties to Merck and Women in Government a little too convenient. He seems awfully chummy to some key individuals. But then again, I've never really been sure about this guy or his motives. He is ultra-conservative--anti-abortion and anti-stem cell--and that makes me more than a bit nervous.

Still, I think the vaccine is the right thing to do regardless of Perry, his beliefs or motives. If the vaccine can prevent HPV and, as a result, certain types of cervical cancer without harmful side effects, then I think it's a very, very good thing.

Thoughts?