An open letter to the women with whom I work

Dear ladies,
I have a growing concern for the hygiene practices (or lack thereof) of the women in this company. Ladies, you are gross. You really are.

If I could ask, nay beg, please take heed of the following suggestions:

1. Stop peeing on the toilet seats. Or if you accidentally sprinkle, please clean it up. I'm tired of getting my ass wet!
2. Flush the toilets. Nobody needs to see your business. Especially if you had a spicy burrito or nasty fish (you know who you are) for lunch.
3. And if you must relieve your bowels completely, please have the decency to use the scented spray provided by our company. It's. What. It's. There. For.

Look, we only have one bathroom on this floor and we all must share this precious resource.

Your attention to the matter is greatly appreciated.